Michael Quach, the super-spammer of the Android Market, has returned with yet another addition to his bizarre catalogue of spam apps – in the form of Girl Facts. It is basically a list of very obvious social references covered in his advertising, and the best advert for Apple’s aggressive app filtering system.

Here’s Quach’s description:

“Tons of facts & secrets about girls you’ve always wanted to know…are here! This cool app will tell you about all the interesting, weird, odd, fun, mysterious, charming, intriguing & exciting things about girls.

“Bet you don’t know many things about your girl! You can also SMS / Email these girl facts!”

And here it is, in standard text-on-an-image style:

It shouldn’t be allowed. It makes us ANGRY on many levels, not least the staggering lack of creativity on display. It’s like his only frame of cultural reference is the TV series ‘Friends’.

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Honestly, are we really supposed to be hanging on the every word of a 16-year-old teen pop sensation? What sort of MADMAN would trawl through Twitter, copying and pasting the “best” Bieber quotes, then placing them all into an Android app?

Here are a couple of Bieber gems, to TERRIFY YOU before bedtime:

That one about In and Out Burger certainly rings a chord with us. Very touching. Justin is surely the Oscar Wilde of our generation. Read – and WEEP over – the app’s description here.

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You know, the one thing we really don’t understand is this trend for apps that let you look at a photo once you’ve finished a phone call. Why is that? Why would someone want to do that?

Here’s the baffling description. It doesn’t say WHY:

“View photos when you finish a call! These pictures are selected using the keyword ‘Burger King’, so they change whenever you make a call. From the selection all over the world, keep calling to find the photo best for you!”

And yes, that’s pretty much exactly what happens:

The developer hasn’t released any screenshots of this MASTERPIECE just yet, so we had to install it on our phone to take this pair. We feel dirty. And oddly hungry.

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It’s for… people who need to be told how long to brush their teeth for. Honestly, we dread to think what an advanced bottom-wiping app based around the same concept would look like.

Here’s the bizarre Android Market description attached to Brushy – Teeth Brushing Timer:

“Brushy can help you brushing your teeth properly! It is a simple 2 minute teeth brushing timer. Once started, it will display which area of the mouth should be brushed.

“Open Brushy, and just tap the screen to start it. Tap again to stop”

Oh, we’re definitely tapping to make it stop. Tap, tap, tap. MAKE IT STOP. And here’s Brushy in action.

Our main worry about Brushy is concerning the way it encourages users to take their expensive Android phones to the bathroom. One blob of stray toothpaste right in the optical sensor hole or trackball mechanism and your phone’ll be ruined.

You’ll have to get your emergency old Nokia out of your sock drawer and start using that until your contract runs out. Thanks, Brushy.

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That man from the Americas who’s often in the news has his own Android app – only it’s nothing of the sort.

The Obama app that’s getting a lot of internet time at the moment is a basic RSS-based tool, that simply scrapes Twitter, Flickr, YouTube and various blog searches to pull up anything that mentions His High Holiness of the United States.

Resulting in this sort of thing:

Recreate this app by simply putting “Obama” into Google. Obviously he’s a nice guy and doing a much better than that last bloke you American people had, we don’t have a problem with him personally. It’s the app that’s being shifted under false pretences.

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Obviously it’s a GREAT book, we are not commenting on the quality of the literature here – it’s an all-time classic everyone needs to have enjoyed in written form.

What’s RUBBISH about The War of the Worlds on Android is that it highlights the practice in which Android developers stick out-of-copyright (AKA free to reproduce) books up on the Android Market, then attach a price tag to them – in this case $2.99.

It’s a rather shady practice, to say the least. Go and get a copy of the book from a charity shop, if you fancy it. It’s amazing. Then listen to the rock opera, which is amazing too.

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In return for bravely downloading this to your Android phone, you get 75 pre-written “Good Night Messages” to send via SMS. Confused about what a good night message actually is? Let the maker explain…

“Goodnight messages are usually sent as a good night greeting. some buddies like to send funny good night jokes. And almost every lover is suppose to send a good night love sms or a sweet / romantic good night sms before he finally went to the dreamland”

In visual terms, that translates to this:

Pre-packaged romance in not-quite-right English. Brilliant. Google needs to start making it harder or people to create apps, not easier. Raise those barriers to entry!

Good Night Messages is made by SocialPing, which also makes the above app called… “Tell Husband I Love U“. Don’t worry, it’ll soon be Monday again and there will be some proper news to report.

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Have you ever found yourself needing a rough approximation of the weight of a horse? Probably not. It’s an extremely specialist area that doesn’t really crossover with the Google Android specialist area.

We’d magine that if you ever DID need to know the weight of your horse, you’d need a precise figure rather than a rough estimate guessed at by your phone. But we are not veterinarians, so please don’t take that advice seriously if you’re in an equine emergency.

Full details of Estimate Horse Weight can be found over at AppBrain, if you have concerns that your horse could be borderline obese.

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Our old chum (ENEMY) Michael Quach continues his ASSAULT on the Android Market and the patience of Google itself, with the latest addition to his ludicrously wide range of apps – Waterfall Pics.

It is some pictures of waterfalls that Michael has found, presumably on the internet, then assembled into an Android app, so people who like looking at waterfalls can look at waterfalls. Here’s how Michael describes his new idea:

“Waterfalls are majestic, beautiful, serene, mesmerizing & powerful. Want to see some pictures? Then look no further! This cool app shows you many beautiful & breathtaking photos of waterfalls. Note: These photos are randomly selected from the public internet & are subjected to their respective copyrights.

We are becoming concerned for the mental wellbeing of Michael Quach.

AndroidZoom says Waterfall Pics has been downloaded between 500 and 1000 times, which is pretty good going for a Quach production – perhaps Michael has finally found the app that’s going to make him a rich man?

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You don’t need an app to find a Starbucks, you just need eyes. Look, there’s one. And there’s another one two doors down. And there’s another one opposite it, just nextdoor to the… Starbucks.

See? The new version of Find Starbucks, out today, includes support for Google Search, letting you use Voice Search to discover there’s a Starbucks located three feet behind you.

We’re getting rather bored of seeing Starbucks and San Francisco on screenshots of Google products. When is someone going to illustrate a new location-aware service that shows farmers where to buy chicken feed on a Sunday?

We’re not all HIPSTERS, you know. Some people live real lives not based exclusively around bragging about using the coffee shop wi-fi.

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